fractured

i like things that are broken. sounds. emotions. glass shattering, lines that delineate a parking lot, the even numerical spacing of bottles as they roll across an aisle in a grocery store. Sometimes in the middle of the day I wander out of the corporate enclave and sit in the middle of a parking lot, staring out at a pond. If it's summer you can watch the glaze of light reflecting back, in wintertime the icy refraction of sun on snow.

My life is like that. broken into segments like parts of a movie. In this Act she will be a teenage tyrant, strung out on disbelief and lost innocence. In this Act she will attempt suicide - one of those half hearted emo attempts you mock later in nihilistic disbelief over good wine and white table cloths. In this Act she will do it again because she has forgotten to locate the off switch and the wine has turned to something different, the vodka has become a drug, and the drug never fills the void. And in this Act she is sitting around a table chain smoking marlboros and wondering how she ever ended up in a room with 12 Steps.

but the plot thickens
it always does

she drinks again, there is a girl, there is a guy. there is chaos and night madness, and after a period of time she is married (again) and sober (again) for only a little while

trying to make sense of myself
I like lines.
the deviation of the world into quadrants and sectors that make it easier to understand. I use Excel a lot, PowerPoint - tools that break thoughts up and create from them a grid. Anything at all to simplify and coalesce. To see the big picture and make it all a little simpler. Because from where I stand, it's all just a little this side of fractured.